#weirdly it was Hawkeye's time to shine

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers #174: Captives of the Collector!

August, 1978

I’ve been kind of excited to get to this issue. Because this was the very first Avengers cover I ever saw.

Back when I was a tiny bibliomancer, perhaps a novellamancer or even a pamphletmancer and I didn’t know what the Avengers even were.

My conception of superheroes was mostly X-Men, Spider-Man, and Batman. Because of cartoons.

But I had a few issues of Wizard magazine and there was a price guide in the back. Because this was back in the heady, foolish days where the speculation market was booming and comics seemed like a real investment.

And the price guide sometimes had tiny images of covers to keep it from being just a page of letters and numbers. And I saw this cover and thought ‘I have no idea what’s going on here.’ I think I might have thought it was a Justice League thing.

In fairness, Justice League would totally have people in tubes on the cover.

So I don’t really have anything to say about this cover because I just get drawn into a vortex of memory. But I do have to point and laugh at Hawkeye who tied a cable around himself so he could swing around like Flynn but it doesn’t seem like its long enough for him to touch ground.

Anyway, lets get down to business. To review. This comic.

Last time: the Avengers met the Guardians of the Galaxy and agreed to help them with a time traveling cyborg called Korvac. Unbeknownst to anyone, Korvac married a supermodel and settled down in Forest Hills to pursue his dream job of taking over all of existence.

Meanwhile, the Avengers have gotten into shit with the government and gotten their sweet governmental perks withdrawn because their security is shit and the asshole Peter Henry Gyrich won’t brook that nonsense.

They’ve also been dealing with a strange rash of disappearances that have taken all their members and tangentially related characters until all they were left with was Thor, Iron Man, the Wasp, and Hawkeye. With the Guardians’ help, they tracked the disappearances to a non-TARDIS orbiting Earth where they discovered... THE COLLECTOR!

And now... the rest of the story.

The Collector gloats that actually the Avengers finding his secret hiding spot is a good thing because now his collection is complete and he’s not at all worried that now they’re in punching range.

When Iron Man and Hawkeye point out that they’ve been through this song and dance before, the Collector menaces them with a shake weight.

Or apparently a Vandarian Power Wand.

Which apparently only has one charge because when Iron Man deflects the Vandarian power blast with his iron abs, Collector just doesn’t use it again.

In fact, when Thor comes at him (the Vandarian Power Wand having been explicitly stated to be able to harm even Thor), the Collector (or Acquisitor as Thor calls him) summons... THE ENERGY CREATURES OF ERDILE!

They look like lightning peeps with kirby krackle but they are in fact, probably not lightning.

When Thor hits one in the krackle with Mjolnir, Mjolnir becomes stuck and Thor becomes unable to release his grip on it.

According to the Collector, hitting the ENERGY CREATURE OF ERDILE in the tum caused Mjolnir to pass into another dimension where it is held fast by the dimensional interface. And if Thor manages to pull it free, IT WILL DESTROY THAT ANOTHER DIMENSION! DOOMING BILLIONS!

The Collector is fun, provided you have a tolerance for villains whose whole thing is pulling new powers out of their ass. Like a kid in a sandbox who keeps making up new powers so they never lose make believe. Or like Gilgamesh from Fate.

The Collector is more fun than Gilgamesh though. Get rekt, Archer.

Speaking of archers, Hawkeye hangs back to help Thor... with morale support? while Iron Man tries to tackle the Collector.... ‘s hologram.

FOOLED YOU

Such a troll.

He then attacks Iron Man with “a simple child’s toy” he acquired on the planet Dergos, where the children MOVE FASTER THAN THOUGHT ITSELF. Which is good because this simple child’s toy shoots dozens of missiles which burst open to release gas on impact.

Iron Man seals off his armor from the gas but it wasn’t a poison gas or sleep gas. It was a gas that locks up metal joints, imprisoning Iron Man in his own iron, man!

FOOLED YOU!

The Wasp tries to distract the Collector by giving him a chance to exposit. Its the best thing for distracting villains, usually.

The Wasp: “Why are you doing this? What do you want from us??”

The Collector: “Why, a complete set! A perfect collection -- of Earth’s mightiest heroes! The only such collection of its kind -- that will survive the time soon to come!”

And then - not distracted at all - he shoots Thor and Hawkeye with a positron cannon. Because by this point, Mjolnir had absorbed enough negative energy from the ENERGY CREATURE OF ERDILE that the sudden positive energy knocks him the hell out.

And the Collector was lying about the other dimension.

FOOLED YOU!!

The Wasp has had just about enough at this point so she shoots the Collector in his wrinkly mug.

So he unleashes a flying roomba that catches her in an electrified net.

And now that just leaves Hawkeye.

The Collector: “Now, archer -- you are the last Avenger... and the least!”

Hawkeye: “That depends on whether you’re judging by raw power or skill, Collector! I may not be much in the first category! On the other hand -- in the second... Hawkeye is the best there is!”

Disarmed with a clamp-arrow (because of course Hawkeye has a clamp-arrow. He has a bouquet arrow and an antigravity arrow, a clamp-arrow is baby stuff), the Collector flees deeper into his not-TARDIS and unleashes a not-pterodactyl at Hawkeye.

Hawkeye manages to dodge its SKAW swoop and then uses a bola to ground the lethal flying lizard.

Oh how the table is on the other foot now. Before, it was the Collector who was pulling out new toys to triumph over every challenge but now Hawkeye is doing the same with arrows.

I guess the third best superpower (after squirrels and ants) is just having an indeterminate amount of stuff on your person.

Or, I guess. Versatility? Fear not the man who can punch really well, fear the man that carries arrows for esoteric purposes.

The Collector is starting to warm up to Hawkeye. In his own way.

The Collector: “You are resourceful! Perhaps you are even worth collecting for yourself -- and not just for your membership in the Avengers!”

But he continues fleeing and Hawkeye continues chasing. And the Collector is like hey rude, I’m going to prepare something horrible for you so stop follow.

And he drops some incendiary capsules which burst into flame.

So Hawkeye grappling hook arrows over the fires.

The Collector is apparently really spry because he’s already way ahead of Hawkeye but on a lower platform.

So Hawkeye gets a wonderful idea and summons his inner Flynn.

He uses his sharpened croissant arrow to cut a cable so he can swing down in front of the Collector. And now he has him cornered on a catwalk. Not able to grab any new collectibles. And if he had something on his person that was better, he would have used it by now.

So I guess Hawkeye wins. Although this is only page 12. Weird.

The Collector gives Hawkeye one last chance to surrender. Which. I mean, he must have something up his sleeve, right? Perhaps some last collectible that he didn’t want to use because it was mint in box.

Hawkeye: “Sorry, pal, I don’t buy it! I figure our surprise entrance caught you more off-guard than you’ll admit! You lucked out against the others, with gadgets you had lying around... but if you had anything to throw at me now, you wouldn’t be standing there flapping your lips!”

The Collector: “Bah! One needs no gadgetry -- who commands POWER COSMIC! I am old beyond your ken, insect -- and it has been eons since I wielded the energies I possess! It is a chore at my age! I resent being forced into this!”

And he or she who possesses the power cosmic can do all kinds of things like breath in space, talk to squirrels or apparently cause the catwalk to warp and wrap around Hawkeye to crush him.

Hawkeye: (*Uhh* What an idiot I am! Why didn’t I try to free the others? Why did I try to take him alone? Now we’ve all had it! Why did I have to be... the last?)

But he fires off one last hail mary arrow on one last physics baffling bank shot.

Except I was lying. It wasn’t a hail mary arrow. It was a taser arrow. And it hits the Collector right in the shoulder, causing him to collapse in pain.

Victory: Hawkeye!

He goes to revive the other Avengers and free them from their comfortable tubes.

And now it looks like the Collector has some ‘splainin to do.

The Collector: “I -- ? Explain to such as you? Absurd!”

He then proceeds to explain his entire backstory and motivation.

Because. Villains CANNOT resist. Exposition.

He explains that he is one of the Elders of the Universe. Extremely old people that have obsession based immortality. Basically, as long as they’re obsessed over their one thing, they’ll stay alive to do that one thing. Like the Grandmaster and his games. Or the Collector and his collecting.

Although much of the nuance of the Extremely Old People of the Universe is something we learn later.

The Collector explains that although his brother roamed in search of games, he only wanted to study the simple creatures of the universe. I guess he started off as more of a the Zookeeper or the Botanist than a hoarding the Collector.

But the Collector also had the gift of prophecy and he foresaw the rise of Thanos, a power that would rival the Elders and threaten universal death.

Concerned over the fates of the primitive creatures he loved so much but afraid of challenging Thanos, the Collector set out to preserve them. Gathering samples. Collecting, basically.

But to his surprise, Thanos was destroyed. Turned into stone by Adam Warlock.

The Collector might have stopped collecting then (which would have killed him, as losing your obsession can make an Elder just drop dead) but he foresaw the coming of another, even more dangerous power.

And this time, he chose to interfere.

Annnnnnnnnnnnd that brings us back to Forest Hills where Carina is confessing to Korvac that she was to betray him but couldn’t bring herself to.

She confesses that her father sent her to spy on him and that he is a prophet who foresaw that Korvac would be cruising for a date at a fashion show.

Korvac is peeved.

Not that Carina was sent to spy on him, it doesn’t seem.

Korvac: “If he is a prophet, can he not see that this troubled planet is destined to find peace only under my proprietorship! Nothing... no one can be allowed to interfere!”

And even as Carina begs him not to, Korvac finds the Collector’s hidden not-TARDIS in orbit and reaches towards it crackling with energies.

Back on the Not-TARDIS, the Avengers are still quizzing the Collector.

Iron Man: “-- So you were playing a sort of galactic Noah, huh? Preserving us helpless ‘lower lifeforms’ from a horrible fate!”

Indeed. But the Collector feared that just preserving the creatures he’s so fascinated by won’t be enough.

This newest enemy might cause a war among the great powers of the cosmos (your Odins, your Zeuses, your Mephistos, your Eternitys. Those guys) in his attempt to achieve universal sovereignty. And such a war could obliterate all reality.

Which is why this time, he interfered. He sent his daughter to spy on the enemy in hopes of finding a weakness.

Iron Man: “You sacrificed your daughter?”

The Collector: “Perhaps... and it seems she now returns the favor!”

But before the Collector can reveal the name of the enemy (Korvac), a bolt of energy strikes him from out of the blue, disintegrating the Avengers’ old foe.

RIP the Collector. You were one of the greats.

The Avengers are horrified that the unnamed enemy (Korvac) so easily struck down the Collector, just when he was about to reveal the enemy’s identity.

Iron Man: “And right before our eyes -- as if to show us how insignificant we are! Fleas compared to a being -- who can kill a god!”

And the issue ends back in Forest Hills, with Korvac telling a crying Carina that she is now an orphan.

Because he just killed her dad.

So here we are on issue #174 of the Korvac Saga which started in issue #167. For the first time, the Avengers are actually aware of the nature of the threat. They heard from the Guardians that Korvac was up to something but his machinations are so subtle and so above the Avengers, they likely never would have found out until it was too late if it hadn’t been for the Collector.

Although Korvac is the big overarching threat of this saga, the plot has been driven by the Collector reacting to it, rather than Korvac himself.

And that’s interesting to me.

The Collector goes back to issue #28 of the Avengers so he’s about as classic an Avengers foe as you can get. And this saga is kind of his story too.

Its backloaded into this issue because mystery. But we learn so much about the Collector here. A little about his origin, about his secret powers, that he has a daughter, and his motivation.

And considering what a nerd he’s been, ranting about his perfect collection of Avengers (was collecting complete runs as much of a thing back then?), he has a surprisingly sympathetic motivation.

Its even a little bit of a retcon given how he’s acted before. But as of this story, all he wanted was to preserve the things he loved. And that included the Avengers with all their daring and adventure and melodrama.

Although, its kind of hard to ignore how much the Collector was just worfed. He was never a powerhouse but as I said, he is a classic Avengers villain from their third year in print.

And he got new, never mentioned powers in this issue. THE POWER COSMIC. The same juice that makes Silver Surfer and Galactus so peppy.

With little effort, Korvac killed him from afar. How scary he must be to manage that. Even when the Collector saw it coming literal miles away.

Oh, speaking of retcons. It is interesting to me to trace the Collector going back and forth from fantasy to sci-fi.

In his first appearance, he used flying carpets, giant summoning beans, potions, and a catapult. At the end of that appearance, he used a time machine though.

In his second appearance in Avengers #51, he has a spaceship and he uses aliens and robots to fight the Avengers.

In Avengers #119, he strikes during Halloween and uses the legendary coats of Hercules, the birthstones of the half-mythical Vultures of Nepenthe, and two rocks that summon infinite bats.

And now in this issue, he has a not-TARDIS that hides in another dimension and uses power wands, energy beings, a child’s missile launcher, and a positron cannon. Plus he reveals his sci-fi origin as one of the oldest beings in the universe.

I don’t think this means anything but its interesting. I think the Collector is more solidly on the sci-fi side of things going forward but its interesting to see his inspiration sine wave like this.

Next time: the Korvac Saga starts to wind to a close. The Avengers now know there’s a mysterious enemy who threatens all of reality. What do?

There might be a delay in new posts. I’m taking a trip to the cold lands this week and I don’t think I’ll be able to get two more posts done before I have to leave.

Use that time to not google ahead for spoilers. Also, maybe follow @essential-avengers. That would be cool of you.

[batterycityghoul]

Hello and happiest of New Years, dear friend!! I hope that next year treats you well!! 💛 3,5, and 20 for the asks?

Happy New Year!! Thank you so much, my friend! I hope the same for you as well! 💖

3. list the top five books you read this year.

I am a heathen and did not finish many books this year. According to Good Reads, I did not finish any books this year, which is kind of sad. I've got to fix that in 2022, so I will instead have to give you five of my favorite books of all time, if that's okay!

Something Wicked This Way Comes by Ray Bradbury (favorite book ever)

The Shining by Stephen King paired with Doctor Sleep by Stephen King (vastly prefer the books over the movies)

Bird Box by Josh Malerman (have not seen the movie yet, but oh shit this book is spot on with suspense)

Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel (I believe it's now a series on HBO Max, so I've got to check that one out)

The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas (this book destroyed me in the best way (by that I mean it made me cry a lot) and really opened my mind, plus I've met the author and she is so fucking nice, which gives many bonus points)

5. list the top five tv series you binged this year.

I'm assuming this means new series/seasons, so I'm going with:

WandaVision

Hawkeye

Only Murders in the Building

You Season 3

Never Have I Ever Season 2

20. list any three new things you learned this year (could be recipes, a new skill, etc.)

This one is weirdly hard to answer...I learned how to make a pastrami ball, which is something my mom used to make all the time when I was younger, and I helped her make it for the first time since I was a kid this year. I learned that I do not like beets and I find them disgusting. I learned how to use different aspects of Microsoft Word for a job I was applying for, so I now know how to use mail merge. 😂

end of the year asks

[popculturebuffet]

The Loud House Reviews: Ghosted!

Halloween Havoc returns! Lori is haunted by a ghost and brings in LIncoln and Clyde ot fix things.. only to find out he’s actually the beloved school mascot and must enlist Lucy and her crew of goths to help her. The bar from the overlook hotel, 1900′s disco, and Boris, the best loud house character i’d never heard of all insue. All hail boris, and prepare for full review with spoilers. under the cut. 

We’re back! I’m sorry this is a week late. This is both due to having a LOT going on.. as well as my own fault for pushign this review back to do a review of the first episode of Starkid’s “Nightmare Time”.. only to have to push BOTH back after I was unable to finish this weeks’ Ducktales on Monday because I ended up having to get off it so my mom, who works from home, can use it, and because AT&T is an utter nightmare we’re thankfully leaving, so if nothing else that will hopefully never be an issue again. 

TLDR: I kept putting this one off, didn’t realize this week’s episode was in fact on this week, and now I have to get 5 reviews done in the span of three days: I have this episode, this week’s loud house, the amphibia halloween special, and reviews of Ducktales “The Duck Knight Returns” and the first darkwing duck episode “Darkly Dawns the Duck”. 

I kid, this blog will end as I too hope to end.. taking rusty and Zach with me. But i got myself into this mess and i’m getting myself out of it. I will get these done even if it kills me.. my ghost can then take care of the two fictional children. ON with the review!

We open at Fairway University. 

I had to. Lori is practicing for the big tournament coming up.. which normally would have me super excited as tournaments are my shit... but we’re not talking two people beating the shit out of each other, wether it be for the sport of it, because their master told them to, because one of htem is a demon who will end the world, or because their loved ones will be murdered if they don’t beat people up as a team for demons, nor people playing card games for their grandpa’s soul, or a grudge caused by an abusive childhood that leads to a battle over gods inside trading cards, or because the school decided why not, or because you need to both keep your godlike dragon that’s also in a card and your friends safe, or.. you get the idea. I love Anime tournaments in what anime I have watched. Me watching or reading of those is like coke to me... a golf tournament however?

Yeah i’m not big into non-wrestling sports in general, let alone one where hte main action is a ball went really far. I mean it IS impressive a golfer can do that and accuratley no less, that’s some Hawkeye level stuff, it’s just not for me. I do HIGHLY enjoy mini golf, and mini golf episodes as both simpsons and gravity falls episodes on that are a good time. I mean any episode that gets flanders to say this is worth at least one watch. 

And thanks to fond memories of my grandpa using them to get around his carnival, yes my grandpa owned a carnival and yes it was great and yes he was a great man and I miss him every day, and carting me around in them. If it were street legal i’d have one. And finally I LOVE happy gilmore. While Adam Sandler took a turn, and hopefully Hubie Halloween is a sign that long national nightmare is over, that film still holds up and is still REALLY damn funny. And by this point your probably wondering what the hell my point is.  Well the hell my point is is that in light of me liking golf related things for weird reason despite praying for death but death won’t come at the thought of watching actual golf, I love fairway university. I love the fact that a golf based college is credible, I love the fact it goes so far in it’s theme that the text books are all golf related, the dorms are all weirdly golf themed, and students apparently can get an arnold palmer at any time of night. I also assume the dorms have on demand streaming for happy gilmore and caddyshack, and a genisis with a copy of lee carvillo’s putting challenge.  Back on the actual episode at long last, Lori is putting in some driving practice and facetiming bobby. The reason the tournament is so important is that she needs to beat the evil elf Malketh at golf or else Suryr will end all life... I may of been reading walt simsons’s thor lately but admit it you would watch that. No it’s more mundane than a fire giant trying to commit universal genocide: Being the only freshman on the team, as in that good, if she dosen’t do well, she might loose her scholarship. Granted I DOUBT they’d take it away after one game, but it’s understandable why she fears loosing it: She can’t afford college any other way. Her parents finances are spread among 11 kids who all live comofrtably and while every loud would gladly give things up so she could go to college still.. Lori wouldn’t accept it. She’d be grateful.. but she wouldn’t have her family be miserable for her sake, even if it’s her dream. This is her one shot for the career she wants and loosing this would destroy her. Even if she’d still have Bobby.  But Bobby is pulled away because his customers are annoyed.. and by customers I mean just Vito.. the rest seem fine despite the line, who complalins his spumoni is melting... because apparently he can’t just have bobby get him a fresh one as Bobby would be happy to do because he’s made of pure joy and it was nice seeing him. Though I do hope to see him in college himself next season. It is WEIRD having the casagrandes season 1 paired with a season of the loud house taking place months later.. and having the halloween episode for season 2 show up months ahead of season 2 itself. 

But soon Lori has bigger problems than Bobby having to go or crushing loss... after consulting the school gopher, because the dean apparently really loves caddyshack as ANY dean of a golfiing school should. I forgot to mention it above but I freaking love that movie too. Good stuff. Back on point, Lori soon gets stalked by a g-g-g-host! And nope this ain’t no party, this ain’t no disco, this ain’t no fooling around.. nor is it a scooby doo esque scheme. This is an actual ghost. Represented by a ball of light but .. yup they went there. And look I get the show breaks from reality a lot: Luann acts like the silver age joker once a year and gets away with it, Lisa gets up to dexter’s lab esque shenanigans on an episodic basis, and Girl Jordan isn’t part of the group despite clearly sharing their intrests and being intrested in both lincoln and stella.  There are stretches in reality.. but mostly for humor or because it’d make a good plot. Most of the plots are grounded in reality: From Luna’s entire romance arc, with her insecurities and her and sam’s worries about each other, to Luaan’s nervousness about her first kiss, to Lincoln and friends having to learn that sometimes a girl dosen’t want to date you just because their nice to you, to Lynn learning not to be a dick and hten forgetting it overnight because this show hates me, the show grounds wacky shenanigans in relatable slice of life stuff. It’s what makes it and it’s sister show work so well. Grounding the exagerated comedy with likeable relatable characters. IT’s what works.  Why I bring this up is this and family bonding show a possible trend of the show getting into more bizzare stuff. A ghost here, a secret agent there.. it means the loud world can get as insane as it wants and the reason I bring it up is simple: Is that a GOOD thing. And my opinon, it CAN be if used right. With Family Bonding the fact there are Secret Agents is just.. casually mentioned. Like yup james bond esque spies exist and have weather dominators and an 11 year old just stopped them. It’s just.. treated like a normal thing when it’s not. Here.. a ghost showing up.. is treated like someone suddenly finding out ghosts are fucking real. Lori slowly comes unraveled a bit as the first few minutes go: She deals with seeing a ghost glow on the range, having the ghost drop books on her in the library, and having it serve her an arnold palmer.. in what genuinely looks like the bar from the overlook hotel from the shining. 

I get it’s a deliberate shout out, especially since it’s bartender is a ghost. But it just raises so many questions: Was it a concidence or did whoever put this bar in really love the shining? Did he want teenagers to murder their wives and children? Did he? Is this building haunted and not just by the genearl ghost that haunts everything? Did they take this from the overlook since it didn’t burn down in the movie? Does this mean shining and loud house are the same universe and by the same token so is community and the casagrandes? WHy is a tea with lemonade called an arnold palmer? But yeah after breaking down in her room Lori can’t take being stalked by a ghost and does what 80% of people in a paranomal activity film take too long to do and calls a ghost hunter. Specifically clyde! And to my shock this is apparently the first time the two have interacted since season 2! And it shows.. their on perfectly fine terms, to the point she has his number and they can talk like humans. I like it.. it’s subtle. Again wouldv’e appricated the episode where he got over here being more finte, but still, this is better than him either passing out in his own master roshi esque blood or trying to get her to leave bobby because bobby is a saint. The worst he’s done is break up with someone because her brother made his sister cry, when none of that makes any sense but he’s dumn and noble enough i’ll allow it, and telling sergio never to come back, which his show framed as a bad thing but really I would two after two minutes with him. 

She called Clyde because he’s the brains behind the outfit... but Clyde has her on speaker. Wah wah wah. Their watching ARRRGH! The ghost adventuers style show that showed up in an episode I never saw but read about. Wah wah wah indeed, but it was apparenlty made up. Why their still into it I dunno, but apparently argh ghost blasters ARE ACTUAL LASER GUNS. This show has gone enitrely off the rails and i’m fine with that. As long as it’s funny. But seriously who gives out actual proton packs I ask you your just asking for some kid to blast himself in the face. But yeah Clincoln McCloud is on the case. And while i’m still annoyed they didn’t bring at least two more friends to play ghostbusters, presumibly stella because she’s the compitent one and Zach because he could NOT belivie in something for a change and tha’td be funny. I know i’m beating a dead horse but it dosen’t HAVE to be all or nothing with their friend groups. You do know that right writers?

I mean I get only using them here as opposed to family bonding, but still, if you can use LIam outside of his episodes you can use the rest of them.. and I don’t even like Zach but he’d be in his element here. It’s not complicated but it is frustrating.  Anyways the boys and Lynn Sr arrive with Lynn Sr making a scene.. which embarasses Lori but i’m on his side here. His oldest went to college. She left the nest. It’s a lot. Plus she apparently hasn’t visted home yet so he misses his baby. Just accept it. She also asked the boys to be subtle about their ghost hunting which does not work at all. Lori you knew who you were asking for this. It’s like asking Sterling Archer NOT to be sarcastic, loud and slightly hammered. It’s part of the process.  Natrually hyjinks insue as our heroes chase the ghost with the most... on this campus.. and end up shaming him into leaving. Yes really. Clyde even says that’s what usually works on him. Oh Clyde.. if that were true you would’ve stopped trying to break up two people clearly in love with each other for your own benift, you twit.  So problem solved right, ghost busted, no more stalking and no lori turning into a monster and ushering in 80 sequels with no real resolution right? 

Yeah I mean this is a half hour special. Everyone at Fairway starts playing off, and it turns out because they realized the ghost was missing. Yes.. everyone knew the ghost was real. Thankfully given this is a halloween episode fairway isn’t some kind of rosemary’s baby, midsommar, herditary, paranomal activity , god a lot of movies use this death cult scenario. That we’re aware of Lori may just not be the target. The team captain takes Lori aside to explain things: They normally don’t tell freshman this until after their first game because the plot says so, but Fairway has a ghost. And again what makes this work is the guy does realize people might not belivie this and while normal for the students of fairway, it’s not normal for everyone and they might not belivie in it.  But no turns out the ghost is beloved 1900′s era Caddy, Shanks Bogey, who in the moment that cemented him as a legend singelhandidly helped Fairway to a big comeback in their first tournament ever, and was given a permanent positoin after graduation. Because they train caddy’s here too which makes sense. And now his ghost lives there too and still helps to this day. OR did anyway. Now why he coudln’t of told her this or why they don’t check to make sure one of the students dosen’t bring ghost hunters around or an exorcist or ash williams?

This episode already runs on nonsense i’m just going with it. Point is LOri’s hair’s falling out, more apparenlty, from the stress as she retreats into her hoodie.. Clyde gave her one to protect her because ARRRRGH! is really freaking shameless apparently. While LIncoln dosen’t know how to put a ghost back luckily Lucy has the mortuariy club over and LIncoln sends them over. Also Lori dosen’t want dad driving them, but Lincoln was on speaker which.. yeah Clyde I might get, the only person he’d probably want privacy with is his girlfriend, he and Lincoln have the exact same running crew but lincoln has 10 other people int he house who may eevesdrop.  But hell yeah, it’s my first Lucy episode on the blog and my first with her club period. For Lucy she IS one of the sisters I like I just haven’t checked out her episodes since season 2,a nd that’s my fault and something I intend to correct. She’s adorably, hilarious in her creepiness, and endearing in how she feels ignored at itmes.. because she is. They also ALL can apparently do her suddenly sneak up on people batman schtick as they all pop up on lincoln when he mentions a ghost. But yeah I love she has her own adams family esque group of goths, and that one of them is a Haiku from an earlier episode. While he and clyde hitting it off went nowhere it IS nice for the show to actually bring back an earlier character they entirely forgot about. It’s very rare for them. 

But yeah I already like these guys, arriving in coffisn and accidently sending my new faviorite borris flying.. a boy who talks like dracula, looks like an orlock and talks in the third person, though he ends up completing a cheer pyramid, because as an intentional joke or not, fairway , a school for a sport built on quite conversation... has a cheers squad. But hey we get boris talking about his hollow bones and cheering out of it so we’re good. 

But now the goth gang can get down to business. They try the obvious first a séance which.. yeah if bill and ted and beetlejuice have taught me anything, Seance’s can only end in friendly ghost murder. Granted unlike Otho I think Lucy knows what she’s doing, I just don’t want Shanks to die. This dosen’t quite work as while there is some bubbles it’s just Froggy 2 who apparently goes here when he’s not with adelaide. Good for him, getting some higher book learning. That’s rare for frogs. Though the faces on the Club are priceless as they are adorable. 

Plan B is to set out Shank’s faviorite food, Ferminted Bean Meal.. which yes is both to set up a fart joke and may or may not exist. He also liked pigs in a blanket, which is a good gag. Lori asks why theyd idn’t go with that I say they simply did because these are professional Goths, and they will always go for the weirdest option possible. It’s who you signed on for lori. You could’ve just called the fentons at the start of this but no, no crossover for us. And yes it’d be butch heartman free but as far as I’m concerned he can go fuck himself for, most among a LARGE pile of him being a jackass, promoting faith healing seminars that among serious illnesses.. include autisim, aka equating what I have to things like alhimers and cancer. No joke there just screw him, don’t screw danny phantom it’s great, moving on.  They intend for shanks to eat it but Lori’s teamates do instead as does the one club member who has weird hair that really unernves me. I get it’s supposed to be spider like but still, the rest of the club is really well designed, including him minus the hair. Why this why. They all get stomach poisoning and blame Lori for it despite, you know, eating strange food left in the middle of campus which is never a good idea, as it’s either someone’s elses or possibly spiked. What did you think was going to happen? Lucy’s last ditch effort is partying like it’s 1900. We do get the club and lori in top hats and canes with presumibly pocket’s full of miracles. So that’s neat. But it fails thanks to the cheerleaders coming in, boris very much included. Lori is desparing,.. until it turns out the disco ball which broke offers a mirror to the other side.. and thus where shanks is.. at the graveyard just off campus. Haiku finds this school creepy and wants to go there. Me too little sister, me too. 

Lori opts to go alone.. while this shit terrifies her, understandably, it was her mess and she needs to clean it up.. even though him not explaning himself to her or anyone else did this I don’t know if he can talk so fair enough. He can however caddy obviously as Lori gives him a heartfelt apology, and then plays a round, with him helping.. though apparently returning her ball also opens a doorway to hell. Go figure. Great gag though especially lori’s casual “that was disturbing”. He dosen’t give a sign he’s coming back though. Then we cut to the game.. with no real sign lori told anyone anything.. was.. was a chunk cut out of this episode or did they just run out of time? I dunno it’s jarring but the game is down to her, and Lori ends up in a sandtrap with the sun in her eyes. But luckily shanks returns! He llfts an umbrella for her. Again I think it’s less that he’s inconsiderate and more that he’s mute.. or maybe he’s just a jackass I dunno. We don’t know enough about him. Point is Lori wins, her scholarship is secure and her family is cheering her on.. well okay her family in terms of lincoln, clyde, because he counts dammit, and her parents the rest of the girls minus lucy are absent because they needed room for her club. Whose in the sun somehow. Lori wins, Boris does an exorcist head spin, and Lucy feels he’s lost to them. I mean.. he has to go home.. unless he dosen’t have one... which is probable. Man now I want a fairway spinoff even more.. I mean just give lori and bobby an off campus place, have leni and her two friends move in, maybe throw in carol and have boris living in a hole in the backyard and we’re good. Please nick, greenlight this. I will write it for you just give me the go ahead. 

Final Thoughts:

This one was okay. As I said the reality breaks are fine if their used for good reaosn, but I felt the episode put Lori though a bit much. She hasn’t been unsympathetic in so long, and she has a genuine heartwrenching reason to want to do well and is terrified of shanks. It’s not her fault no one told her. I mean that should be in the brochure “We have a ghost but he’s a casper ghost and not a gozer ghost so your good”. I mean the fact Jack Fenton HASN’T come blaring down the campus is only because he already did that and is banned from campus. that and he drove through the comisary.. like through both walls. The Fenton Van is thick.  Point is lori goes through a lot of pain and humilation for no reason. It also feels like a two parter put into one half hour: The first half has a problem that’s seemingly solved only to have a cliffhanger with Lucy coming in as the solution. That being said I aboslutely love the mortuariy club. Why they can’t repalce spider head with rocky I don’t know, but otherwise I love em. Especailly boris who i’m fine with him staying at fairway as long as I get that spinoff> The Clyde and LIncoln antics are just “ha ha their mech dosen’t work”.. when they still have rayguns as part of the merch, though I do appricate that them running out of power is set up: Their guns discharge as a running gag so it’s no suprise their out by the time our heroes need them. And Clyde’s line about shame and guilt “Just like me!” was gold. This dosen’t really have the missed opprtunity smell of family bonding or strife of the party, it did fine enough and the scene of lori and shanks playing golf was really sweet.  It really is just okay: Not AMAZING, but not terrible. I’ve seen much worse already this season, but the creative halloweeny premise, fun with the goth gang, and general weirdness of fairway make it a hole in two. Not a slam dunk but still fun. Just because an episode is mostly okay dosen’t make it bad.  If you liked this review follow for more, as I have weekly coverage of ducktales and loud house and ocasionally the casagrandes and later today should have, space and time permitting, reviews of the new loud house, the new amphibia, and later this weekend some darkwing duck. Until then stay safe, stay spooky and happy halloween. Play us out white stripes!

[splendidshinobi]

FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST 2003 LIVE REACT: EPISODES 6-10

back at it again with the white vans

episode 6: the alchemy exam

alrighty then

um mustang calling edward “ed” is EXTREMELY offputting

ohhhhhhh noooooo not shou tucker

FUCK

im wholly unprepared

them all being in central instead of east is low key jarring like my brain isnt computing it

alexander’s intro is basically the same 

nina bbyyyyy girl u deserved so much better

ed is such a fucking nerd...chemistry club modern au confirmed

god the more tucker talks the more i wanna beat his face in

al pretending to eat by tossing a potato in his armor i-

aww theyre playing in the snow theyre so pure

wonder how long thatll last

“bigger brother” and “little big brother” and ed doesnt even get mad

ed’s birthday party????????

A MELON? ED YOURE SO RUDE

so 03 had ed’s bday instead of elicia’s...CAUSE THEY GOT ELICIA IN THE WOMB

“it’s here!” “the tea?” “the baby!” hughes is a fuck head

ok so now they’re having elicia replace rush valley baby arc

this was winry’s time to shine in fmab i miss her 

if winry isnt here who is gonna birth this baby

oh my god they just realized ed can use alchemy without a circle

no wonder he’s been using circles this whole time

SO ELICIA JUST POPPED OUT????? WHAT

STUFF ALEXANDER IN THE ARMOR AND PRETEND YOURE A TALKING DOG???

“i dont think thats very funny” NO ALPHONSE IT IS NOT

THEY KNEW EXACTLY WHAT THEY WERE DOING WITH THAT ONE I SWEAR TO GOD IN THIS ESSAY I WILL

damn bradley what up homie

im so thrown off by the way theyre doing the exam omg

seriously what the hell is fuhrer bradley’s purpose right now is he even the fuhrer in this i feel like they wouldve mentioned it

oh lord ed is about to impress everyone with his clappy hands

ok so next episode is nina FUCK

episode 7: night of the chimera’s cry

havoc babeeee

im gonna marry him my himbo king

also can RIZA DO SOMETHING PLZ

“huhhhhhhhh nina” ew tucker that was weirdly gross

wonder why

cant do it cant do it

do we think jean kirstein was modeled after jean havoc slightly looks wise

was that purposeful 

ill have to google 

serial killer who only targets women?  it cant be scar...scar drinks respect women juice

barry or slicer bros maybe? um ok

why did we start with liore if they were just gonna hop right back into the past for a huge chunk of episodes idk

assessment day??? oh noodles

AL WHY DID YOU TELL TUCKER TO MAKE ANOTHER TALKING CHIMERA ALPHONSE NO

THE NOISE I EMITTED IM GONNA TAKE A LAP

im gonna FUCKING SCREAM

ed r u writing to winry??? that’s a bit out of character for u good sir

no tucker put that baby down

im gonna fucking SCREAM

aww he burned nina’s picture thats not sus at all

SHESKA!!!!!

wait does the ironblood alchemist know what tucker did to his wife? thats kinda the vibe im getting

SCARRRRRRRR

looking like a pirate too damn

his voice sounds different is that j michael tatum 

apparently not it was dameon clarke in 03 ya learn something new everyday 

ew elicia has a lot of hair for a FUCKING NEWBORN

ed really is such a cynic very suspicious of everyone as he should be really

basque grand knowS SOMETHING

oh jesus oh fuck oh god please do not TOUCH THAT BABY

ed and al snuck back in to the house well u know what its for the best

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

im gonna cry again please god no

FUCKING DIE SHIT HOLE

she’s hurting? oh my god

my sweet angel

ew his eyes!!!!!!! 

tucker is such a fucking failure...like look at the chimera squad and greed’s theatre troupe being the way they are. ugh it really hits how fucking unfair it is 

ed was really about to split them? boy you know better

where is nina going...im hurting

ed really tried to save her in this one

SCAR KILLS NINA IN THE STREETS???????? SIR

thats different

oh snap 

oh FUCK

SCAR WHY DID YOU LEAVE HER BODY LIKE THAT

THE WAY SHE WAS ARRANGED ON THE WALL THAT WAS FUCKED UP

AND THEY FOUND HER LIKE THAT???? AT LEAST IN BROTHERHOOD THEY DIDNT HVE TO SEE HER CORPSE ARE YOU SHITTING ME?

that was fucked.

episode 8: the philosopher’s stone

can yall get ed and al away from nina’s fucking MURAL 

get out of the car mustang

finally jesus christ

roy mustang talking about healthy coping mechanisms dont make me laugh but alright baby boy go off i guess?

im curious about who this goddamn serial killer is though lets turn to that plot thread

r u kidding me

mustang is making ed and al take over tucker’s research?? thats actually wildly messed up

oh tucker was straight executed that’s a choice i guess

tucker and the philosopher’s stone sounds inaccurate but ok

ed please stop being mean to your brother

03 mustang has got me reaching for a fucking baseball bat on GOD

scar and edward having this conversation right now i literally cannot

WINRY yes bitch

BRADLEY WHAT IN TARNATION

JESUS LORRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDD

alphonse shut your mouthhhhhhhhhhh

im so confused what is bradley up to

“alchemists are not cold blooded murderers?”

i mean

kimblee would beg to differ for one

whos this creepy lady 

her voice sounds familiar

barry’s food shop?

the killer is barry ok got it

IS BARRY DISGUISED AS A WOMAN

I KNEW THAT WAS JERRY JEWELL’S VOICE

WELL I KNEW IT SOUNDED FAMILIAR AT LEAST

WINRY GET OUT OF THE FUCKING TRUCk

has PINAKO TAUGHT YOU NOTHING

ok so i VASTLY prefer suit of armor original manga canon barry

this is such an odd plot what in fuck

um OW the meat cleaver

im so confused this fucking plotline

oh hey alphonse nice of you to show up!

is barry still gonna become a suit of armor later on

it makes NO SENSE to introduce him otherwise 

everytime i see 03 mustang i wanna beat his ass HONESTLY

literally i will shove my foot up his ass

fullmetal here we go

ed thinks he’s so punk rock 

oh great scar’s seen the watch

episode 9: be thou for the people

ed you simp buying winry all this stuff my edwin heart is ascending

SIMP SIMP SIMP

“mr. elric”?? you mean MAJOR ELRIC

to be fair though fuck the military

YOUSWELL??? oh LORD

im gonna need to read a full chronology of this show

 alphonse continues to be a precious angel 

where’s my boy yoki!!!!!

edward you idiot don’t go flaunting your money

woof woof ed

al looks so offended by ed saying they just met

whereas in brotherhood didnt he totally throw ed under the bus??? 

a choice to be sure

ah there he is hello yoki

who’s the chick

shes a lesbian

yoki makes me miss my baby girl mei chang

mei where r u

WAS THIS MILITARY DUDE REALLY ABOUT TO CUT DOWN A CHILD??? oh my god

hawkeye getting a promotion yes bby girl

jesus theyre transferring them to east now OKKKKKAY thats not how it happened it the book but ill take it....just doing it the opposite way i guess

who is lyra who is she

cute some military bribery 

umm lyra what the fuck did you do

lyra is a homunculus im callin it now

they definitely invented/changed up some homunculi in fact im certain they did and shes one of em. gotta be

i feel like 03 wrote ed as much more insensitive towards others than he really is...just a vibe im getting

i know he was faking for the townspeople’s sake but i still get this vibe from other instances 

i mean i cant say its not “canon” because its 03 canon

anyways what a show off

i cant believe theyre going to east...fuery and breda better be there

ok finally some answers on their ages....ed got his license at 12 like normal and nina and youswell were when he was 12...liore was 15, 

if they didnt flash the ages on the screen id be lost honestly

at least we’re back up to “present day”

episode 10: the phantom thief

ed saying he doesnt wanna see mustang

same

03 mustang is activating my fight or flight and im choosing fight

ed cheating at cards totally checks out

um who the fuck is this woman

what is she wearing

SERIOUSLY WHAT IS THAT CUTOUT MAAM HOW DO YOUR C**CHY LIPS NOT POKE OUT

idk but this is fem!hisoka

“hey shouldnt we talk first” after getting handcuffed??? christ almighty these innuendos

siren??????? siren is probably also a “fake” homunculus

ugh

ok so the nurse is siren

ya aint slick girly

alphonse control your crush

I REFUSE!!!! ALMEI RIGHTS

why is al’s hair so brown in this flashback anywayssss

oh its spelled psiren ope

like she’s literally a batman villain...

oh my god...............the tiddy grab. my son would never

my son is respectful

is this her homunculus tat or just a random alchemy tat

the added plotlines and original content continue to confuse and astound me every single time....

ok but if psiren really was doing this for the hospital she wouldnt be so flashy about it. like thats how you get caught sweet cheeks

girly stop flirting with this child on god im gonna fucking kick you

now shes a nun????????????????

Shes a fucking troll i hate her

im going to kick alphonse into the sun 

oh great now shes a teacher

wow shes a savior. the savior of amestrian venice. greatttttt

ed looking exactly like this emoji on this gondola rn 🧍‍♀️

STOP FLIRTING WITH THE CHILD 

GOD THIS IS SO BATMAN VILLAIN ESQUE

alphonse plzzzzzzzzzz she aint your girl

ok so probably not the last we see of this ding dong con artist

ok so its starting to get muddy. im scared the 03 stans are gonna come after me like i do like it and im having fun watching it but some of the plot and characterization choices are just....odd??? idk i gotta keep going though!! im sorry i just stan arakawa and her work in all her glory!!!

[meganmazing]

An All Phlint Rec List!

One guess which pairing I fell head-first into this time...

Need more time? No problem, I’ll give you a hint. It involves SHEILD’s #1 eye in the sky and his long-suffering, slightly anal-retentive handler. The purple Avenger and the dead-not-dead agent. You know them, and if you don’t already love them, these fics will fix that for you. Sorry in advance for how long this is, but there are so many fics and I have too many feelings.

Some of them even feature Pizza Dog, because we are a blessed fandom.

Most of these are rated Explicit, but not all! I even mention a G-rated fic, and I’m proud of me for branching out my recs. I don’t read non-con/dub-con, and I’m not usually into ABO stuff, so you won’t find any of that here, if it’s a concern. Just in case, read the tags! I also don’t read unhappy endings, becasue I’m not about that life.  

Click the bold titles (sometimes the little lines indicating a link aren’t there, but the link still is) and don’t forget to leave kudos/comments on the ones you love, to spread that love to the authors! And as always, there will always be more fics that I love/bookmark/scream about in my bookmarks page on my ao3 account: megamazing

College AU

Launch Your Assault by foxxcub  Words: 30k  Rating: E

Phil Coulson was more than halfway through his six year plan, and everything was chugging along nicely.

Unfortunately, he hadn’t foreseen a cocky junior Art major waltzing into his life, or his floor.

So this is within the same universe as Bulletproof, a stony College AU fic, but I never read that one. Phlint College AU’s I love, but not so much with stony? I have weirdly subjective preferences when it comes to fics.

However, I will rec this one with my dying breath. It is Phil’s POV, and I have such a soft spot for college age Phil now, thanks to this story. As a college student myself, I felt that everything was really realistic and I believed everything. More than that, I want to give both the boys a hug. They need it after this. 

Also, as you’ll see later on in this list, I love the “fuck buddies” trope with hidden feelings that are so not hidden it’s embarrassing. And heartbreaking. As much as I want to hug Phil, I also think he needs a swift kick or seven.  

Safety Not Guaranteed by foxxcub  words: 4k+ (nearly 5k) Rating: M

Phil was informed of the Sigma Iota tradition of White Elephant two weeks before Christmas break. He’d heard of other chapters on campus having holiday parties and had figured the SI’s did the same.

But he was quickly learning the SI’s didn’t do things quite like other fraternities.

Short, sweet, and funny. Of course this would happen to them, within a group of people where blatant, verbal communication is a practically a foreign notion. I laughed, I sympathetically cringed, and there are sexytimes, too. What’s not to love here, really? (Wade has a great cameo, too, so of course this was going on the list)

I'll Learn To Dance If You Promise Not To Laugh by torakowalski  words: 10k+ rating: E

A College AU in which there are long distance relationships, misunderstandings, and no one actually spends any time in college.

The insecurity in this fic kills me in the best way. Clint puts on an act sometimes, acting stronger and suaver than maybe he feels. When your bf is older and cooler and smarter and too good for you, what else can you do? Naturally, that strategy works great until it doesn’t. 

Thor, Darcy, and Jane are wonderful and I just want more of them! I would never have pictured them as Phil’s roommates, but it works so well and watching Clint interact with them is great. 

Everyone deserves a hug: Clint for being a sweet idiot, Phil for being a well-meaning moron, and the roommate squad for putting up with their shit and making it fun.  

(more torakowalski fics in the final section, because I’m in love with their work and need to throw more at you)

Other AU

Kindergarten ‘verse by soniclipstick (veriscence)  total words: 38k+ Respective ratings: E, G, and E

Kindergarten teacher Clint Barton has never been in a healthy stable relationship in his life. Hell, mostly he doesn't bother leaving his house unless his best friend drags him out for 'socialising'. He's happy with his life as a hermit; he has a dog, and fifteen sticky tiny humans to teach core skills to. That's more than enough commitment for him

But that's all about to change when the new school year brings along with it some major surprises, such as Phil Coulson, the widowed father of one of his students and owner of the bluest eyes Clint's ever seen.

(summary from the first fic in the series)

I am rec’ing the whole series here, because I want to curl up and live in the world the author created. It has everyone you could think of wanting to see from both general Marvel canon and also Agents of SHIELD. Look, as I’m writing this, I want to go back and re-read the first fic. As the author states in the tags, it’s totally Fraction’s Hawkeye, aka my favorite and the best (soz MCU Clint, you’re cool too, sometimes).

This could have been so stupid. It’s a kindergarten teacher AU, it very easily could have been something I read two paragraphs of and clicked away. But it isn’t. When the author says fluff and angst, they mean it. It hurt my heart and made me giddy by turns. Also, sexytimes. But the feelings! I connected so much with Clint in this, and felt so much for Phil, and the payoff feels so earned by the time it happens.

The supporting cast is phenomenal, and it may be my favorite of this whole list, which is saying a lot because I love them all. Even the smaller cameos were hilarious and made me smile.

EVEN IF YOU READ NO OTHER FIC ON THIS LIST, READ THIS SERIES.

Pre-Avengers (mostly)

Slow and Soft by onthewaters  Words: 23k Rating: E 

When Coulson adds Barton to his team, he expects smartassery. Except there isn't any...

This is it. This is the story I was looking for and craving without even knowing it. That may make zero sense, but I don’t know how else to put it. The writing and the storytelling here are on another level, and I mean that in the best possible way. It shows them getting together - including the beginning of the incredible friendship between the trio (Nat, Clint, and Phil) and Nat and Clint's bond - as well as the most believable/subtle pinning I’ve read in awhile. 

Phil's characterization is the best in this one. It’s his POV, and his personality just shines. This is one of the ones I really treasure, and I won’t apologize for how extra I am about it. 

Operation Snapdragon by Laura Kaye (laurakaye) words: 10k+ rating: E

They’d decided to call it Operation Snapdragon, Jasper had explained, because snapdragons meant “deception” in the language of flowers.

It would be more accurate to call it Operation Rip Out Phil's Heart And Grind It Beneath The Feet Of Mobsters, but apparently there wasn't a flower for that.

The humor is on point, and I am a sucker for pining!Phil and sarcasm. It’s a fake marriage fic, where they’re undercover as a couple. Tell me that doesn’t sound perfect for these two. BUT WAIT, there’s more: they’re already a thing before the fake marriage mission, and Phil has been feeling insecure in the relationship! Voicing concerns in a healthy manner is out of the question, naturally. Idiots.

It takes place over six months, featuring flashbacks to how Phil ended up in a strip club run by the mob, smiling lovingly at his husband while a mobster talks about how great they are together. 

Plenty of miscommunication on par with the trope, and you just want to give Clint a hug, becasue you know what’s going on, but Phil can’t catch a hint. It has art at the end, too, which is adorable.

The Clothes that Make the Man by orderlychaos  words: 17k+ rating: E

There was something comforting in the way Clint could focus on Coulson’s dry, deadpan tone as bullets and explosions sounded around him. Come rain, hail or bursts of experimental weaponry, Agent Coulson would be there, calm and controlled in that damn suit, like the personification of order against chaos.

However, contrary to rumour, Phil Coulson was not born in a suit. This is the story of how Clint Barton glimpsed the man underneath and fell in love.

(Or five times Clint saw Phil outside of a suit and the one time he wore a suit himself).

IT’S A FIVE AND ONE, boys, we’ve made it. This my favorite trope in all of fanfiction history. It’s also pre-avengers for the first half, but then kinda after? Coulson isn’t dead and doesn’t appear to ever have been, but in the later chapters, the Avengers are a thing? I’m not sure about timelines. It’s an AU, and it’s awesome. 

The important part is that there’s Clint POV and insecurity on both sides, as well as really sweet moments and pinning galore. Plus, it’s rated E, so obviously that too. It’s fairly lighthearted in general as well (meaning there are feelings and angst but there aren’t feelings and angst, if you know what I mean), and after some of the angst on this list, lighthearted fics are a gift. 

Coulson Lives - Reunion

Give a Dog a Bone by  Laura Kaye (laurakaye)  Words: 86k+ Rating: E

What do you do when your dead best friend turns up alive after three years? a) yell at him b) hug him c) ignore him to his face while following him around the Tower like a creeper d) maybe fall in love with him a little e) all of the above

Best summary, or best summary? 

This does not have enough kudos or recognition. I know it’s at nearly 960, and that’s a great amount, but it deserves so much more! I still think about this story, and it’s another one I want to re-read soon. 

When I mentioned Pizza Dog, this is one of the ones I had in mind.   

And Kate!!! His friendship with Kate is everything I’ve ever wanted. And his friendship with Tony, and obviously Nat. Basically, I love Clint having friends and getting to be petty becasue holy shit he deserves to be petty after everything SHIELD has put them all through. At the same time, nothing feels like Phil!whump or emotionally beating a character down unnecessarily. 

Clint does everything I want him to, and some stuff I didn’t even know I wanted him to do. There is so much pain, as you’d expect, but there is so much payoff and the balance is perfect. I connect with Clint’s characterization in general, but especially here. Just yes. 

Phil’s journey with the loss of his hand and adjusting to life with a prosthetic is also really cool, and something I hardly ever see. Same goes for Clint’s hearing loss. He isn’t deal, but and is completely capable/confident in himself, but there are struggles at times that make me wonder if the author has personal experience because it’s stuff I recognize from my mom’s experiences.  

doesn't matter if I bleed by t_fic (topaz), topaz, topaz119 (topaz)  Words: 25k+ Rating: E

Clint's never pretended to be deep. He's just the guy who sits back and watches, the guy who makes the shot when he needs to. He's seen a lot of crap in his time, sat through a lot of fucked-up scenes to get to where he needs to be, but this, now--he can't stand another second of it.

This feels like an argument for why the pairing works, and I loved it. It really deep dives into the issues all three of them - Clint, Nat, and Phil - have in a way that feels so real and relatable to me, personally, that it cut me right to the core. I still can't get over the incredible friendship between Clint and Nat in this. I loved every minute, and every win was so, so deserved. I want to curl up and live in the world the author created, tbh. Also, there are sexytimes. Can't forget those.

Tony also has the line early on that nearly made me cry: "Someone has some serious fucking explaining to do, because you," he pokes at Coulson, "we fucking buried you." The scene is already so emotionally charged, and then this and it kills me becasue of all the off-page backstory and emotional weight it gives for the rest of the story.

I’m emo and dramatic about all of these, but I mean it when I say it feels like proof for why Clint and Phil work. Just, yes.

Coulson Lives - some point after the off-page reunion

The Best Bad Ideas by copperbadge words: 17k+  rating: M

When Clint Barton put on the Captain America costume for a mission, he didn't count on Phil Coulson's reaction. Coulson didn't count on Clint crashing his new team to do something about it.

Oh yeah, you read that right. It’s just as funny as it sounds, and all of a sudden you get hit with the angst and it works. Even so, this one is a lot lighter and it’s fun. Cap and Co’s reactions are just as funny, and the gossip sessions between the ensemble are some of my favorite bits. (side note: why have I never considered the badass-ery that would be a Nat and Melinda May friendship?) 

Pine Lake Oasis by infiniteeight  words: 32k+  rating: E

When SHIELD gets intel that an arms dealer might soon be receiving Chitauri technology, Fury sends Clint and Coulson undercover to establish surveillance, ingratiate themselves with the arms dealer and his right hand man, and possibly intercept the sale. The catch? The arms dealer and his lieutenant are apparently posing as a couple, which means the best way for Clint and Coulson to get close is to pose as a couple, too. The longer the op goes on, the more Clint wonders which relationship is more real.

MORE PRETEND MARRIED TROPES! We can never have too many, in my humble opinion. This one is very different from the mobster one, because it’s set in suberbia with plenty of nosy neighbors and also some arms dealers who are also posing as a couple. Frankly, I’m not sure anyone is posing as anything in this fic when it comes to feelings. 

The domesticity in this story is so good and it’s so sad watching them get used to it and hearing Clint think it can’t last...but then! And everything feels earned by the end, instead of just tossed in. You watch them get closer over the course of the story and I love it. 

They’re sassy and sarcastic and funny, and so true to the characters we’ve come to love that it all feels so believable. 

Just torakowalski Fics 

(Yes. I did add a whole section just for one author. If I hadn’t, every category would be overrun, and there are so many good fics out there! But this author gets me, and more importantly, gets Clint and Phil, so it had to be done.)

Been Looking at You Forever  words: 18k+ (closer to 19k)  rating: E

Clint and Phil are friends. Friends who have sex. That’s all there is to it. Honestly. 

Fuckbuddies with a healthy dose of accidental relationship because whoops, who knew “casual” sex with hidden feelings would lead to complications and more feelings?? Set post-Avengers movie, and including all the main faves as side characters. 

Guys, I’ll be real with you for a second. I don’t ship either stucky or Tony/Pepper, and yet this has both as background but blatant relationships. And I still don’t ship them, but I believed it within the story and I wasn’t bothered? If that doesn’t tell you how good of a writer tora is...

I am addicted to the way they write Clint and Phil, and the fact that it doesn’t look like they’ll be writing more for that pairing makes me hold on tighter to the stories we do have. Sure, the premise of this fic is a trope, but the relationships between the characters puts it on another level for me. This one will make you crave more of this trope out of all your fave pairings, trust me.

And All the Clocks Came Back to Life  Words: 4k+ Rating: T

Phil Coulson isn't a big fan of birthdays, but they're better than being dead.

Pizza Dog is a character again, and so is my favorite apartment complex in Marvel Comics continuity. This is the sweetest story (it’s also the shortest one on this list *gasp*) and it doesn’t have anything explicit, which I know some people prefer, but trust me. The way tora writes these boys is so worth the read. I have the warm-fuzzies just thinking about this fic again - I dare you not to feel like smiling with this one. Naturally, there are grounded feels too, and I just want to protect Clint with my whole being. Luckily, I’m pretty sure Coulson does, too. 

Both characterizations are on point.

Keeping the World at Bay  Words: 25k+ Rating: E

Finding out that Phil's alive and working with a new team isn't easy for Clint, and neither is helping Captain America track down the brainwashed Hydra assassin that used to be Bucky Barnes. 

This is another one where I still don’t ship stucky, but god damnit I’m here for everything in this fic. Clint gets to be fucking amazing in this one, both physically and on an emotional connective-ness level. It uses his own neuroses and backlog of problem/coping mechanisms and puts them to use in the best way. You know, if you’ve seen the movie Age of Ultron (meh movie overall but there are elements I adored) that Clint has the potential to fill the mentor position so well. He gets to do that here, or at least begin down that sort of path, and I loved it. 

For all my stony babes, I urge you to give it a shot. Just this once, let me peer pressure you.

I am also always here for Clint getting to be pissed off, because HELLO, he’s got a right. And my heart went out to Phil so hard. Guys, it’s a double reunion fic, as well as the first time potential best friends meet, why are you sleeping on this??

Back to The Place You Are  Words: 7k+  Rating: E 

Phil Coulson was sitting two tables over from Clint and wearing his Dress Blues. This was making concentrating on anything else pretty much impossible.

Normally, I am Not A Fan of fics where they are broken up from the get-go. Or maybe I just have to be in the right mood/mind set for that brand of angst. AND YET. This fic.  

It’s Tony and Pepper’s wedding, and naturally Phil has to dress the part right? Clint should have been prepared, but clearly, he was not. This one is pretty much smut with angst and feels, and like Clint, I was not prepared for how much I would love reading it. 

What We've Got Here Is Enough words: 7k+ rating: E

They don’t fuck in the Avengers’ Mansion, that’s rule number one of Having A Secret Relationship With Your Ex-Handler.

This one was great, and involves how the rest of the team finds out about their relationship. Not a ton to say aside from what I’ve already said about how tora writes these two! 

Want more recommendations? Let me know! Maybe I ship what you ship and we can scream about the great fanfic together. 

[lightsaberss]

The Wedding (Part One)

The list of things he would do for Winry was pages, and pages long. He'd tried to write it down once to prove a point - and win an argument - but she'd stopped him once he got onto the fourth page, and the list had gotten more and more ridiculous. However, on that list, the following things hadn't appeared:

1) Being a human dummy for her to plan, and also practice, Hawkeye's wedding hairdo.

2) Attending the wedding of President-Elect Fuckface and Shining Paragon of Duty Former Captain Riza Hawkeye, with his very, very, very pregnant wife.

If they managed to get through this weekend in Central without Winry giving birth, or anyone finding out about his own recent past as hair stylist mannequin it was going to be a miracle. He could put up with the latter, just about, but he was going to hover around Win just in case. The idea that she could just go into labour here, so far from home and their plan was terrifying, and there was no way in hell that he was letting her out of his sight for more time than it took for her to go to the bathroom, which she did all the time.

That's why he was one of only two men sitting in Rebecca Catalina-Havoc-Whatever's living room while the girls gushed over the bride. Al was with him, because Ed had given him no chance to refuse as he physically dragged him along with him and Winry from the hotel. However, he was being no help, as he was just talking about Alkahestry with Princess Mei. Usually Ed would've butted in, or at least listened with great interest (just because he couldn't perform Alchemy anymore, didn't mean he'd lost any academic interest he had in the subject), but he was worried about Winry, who kept rubbing the small of her back in between doing… whatever it was she was actually doing to Hawkeye's hair.

It felt like a victory when he managed to wait until Winry was done with Hawkeye's hair (it was now in some kind of ridiculous - but he had to admit - pretty updo. At least, he thought it was called an updo) before he went over and rubbed her lower back for her. He pointedly ignored CataHavoc's (Havolina? Fuck, he should just call her Rebecca, or it was going to get weird) 'awwww's' and comments about how adorable they were. He hoped that Al was proud that he was growing as a person.

"You okay?" He asked.

"Yeah, just everything aches today," Winry complained, but let him steer her to the chair he'd just vacated, and she flopped down as elegantly as any heavily pregnant woman could. "I can't wait until this kid's out and then you can carry it around for a change."

"As long as it's not today," Ed said. "And I'll carry her around all the time."

"Stop calling it a girl, we don't know that!" Winry argued. Not for the first time. Or the hundredth. It just felt weird to call his kid an it, and there was only a 50% chance he'd be wrong. He'd taken worse odds in the past.

"Fine. Him. Happy?" Ed asked.

"Oh, you know that's not what I meant at all!" Winry said, but she was amused rather than angry. Ed could tell by the fact that she had yet to actually threaten him with violence or anything other than a scolding.

Okay. So. Maybe he hadn't grown as a person that much, as he got embroiled in the stupid argument about what to call the baby before it was even out of the womb. It was the same argument they'd had almost weekly since they'd found out they were going to be parents. It was weirdly comforting, and it took his mind of the nightmare scenario that was Winry going into labour in the middle of the ceremony.

"Oh, wow!" It was Rebecca's exclamation that made them stop bickering. There was Hawkeye, in her wedding dress, and even Ed had to admit that she looked really nice. It was a high necked ivory gown, to cover her scars, Ed guessed, and while he didn't know enough about dresses to describe it more accurately than 'ivory, lace, and some sparkly bits', he thought she looked elegant. Beautiful and elegant.

***

Roy felt like he'd been waiting forever for this. Ever since he first kissed her, just after he figured out how to turn flame alchemy from a concept into a reality, through every little moment they'd shared together since then, he'd been waiting for this moment. The moment where he gets to scream to the world; Look, I'm hers, and she's mine! Only without any literal screaming, because he was certain that would make her walk out of the registry office before he could stumble over an apology.

This, for him, was the true beginning of the next part of their plans. It was also, he knew, incredibly selfish. He could be President without her as his wife, he could change Amestris with her as his adjutant, his bodyguard, and his assistant. Being married wasn't something that would help them reach their goals any quicker than staying as they were, it was just that doing this would make them happy.

For years, he'd thought - they'd both thought - that being happy was a sin, that they weren't worthy of it after everything they'd done, and maybe some people would agree with their past views. Maybe they would be right. Roy honestly didn't care. It had taken the almost destruction of Amestris at the hands of the Homunculi, and the rebuilding of Ishval to put things into perspective for him. That maybe in his personal life he could be selfish, they could both be selfish, and happy, and still work towards making this country a better place.

Today was the true, and honest, start of that happiness. Now, all he had to do was wait for her to show up.

"She'll be here soon, boss." Havoc said, catching him in the act of checking the time on his pocket watch. "I remember when me and Becca got married, this was the worst part. I could've sworn she wasn't gonna show, but she did."

"I remember, you almost threw up on my shoes." Roy reminded him. "Although that might've been the hangover, rather than nerves."

"I wasn't that hungover." Havoc said.

Roy's response was interrupted before it even begun, as the doors opened and the Elric's, and Princess Mei slipped inside to take their seats. A quiet fell over the guests as the music started, a quiet filled with anticipation that turned to wonder as Riza walked into the room, accompanied by her grandfather.

To him, she was a vision. Her dress clung to her curves alluringly, and she sparkled as she walked towards him, the light catching on the tiny gems that had been embroidered onto her dress. Her beauty had always been able to strike him dumb, and take away his ability to be charming and suave, and this was no exception. By the time she reached him, and he took her hand, he had just about regained enough speech to tell her how beautiful she looked. How he was going to manage his vows, he had no idea.

***

Rebecca was not going to cry. She was going to keep it together. The sight of her best friend marrying the Matchstick and being well and truly happy for the first time in for-fucking-ever was not going to make her tear up, god dammit.

She wiped at her eyes carefully, trying not to smudge her make up too much, because if she looked like a panda in the photos later then she'd just die. She was so focused on Riza that she almost didn't notice her husband staring at her instead of the happy couple. They'd only been married a year, and even if it was stupidly sappy to say, it didn't feel like long at all. Rebecca grinned at him, but nudged her head towards Riza and Roy to try to get him to pay attention to them.

Still, it was very sweet, and she'd kiss the hell out of him later as a reward.

***

It turned out, to no one's surprise, that Edward Elric actually cared very little about weddings that weren't his own. Even then, Winry had to explain to him using very small words (while holding a very big wrench) why he had to help plan the wedding and no, he couldn't just turn up, and no they were not just going to elope and get it over with.

Still, at least this wedding was quick and didn't involve any hokey religions.

It was that, and the way Mustang initially stumbled over his vows, that reminded him of his own wedding, and he slid an arm around Winry's shoulders and kissed her temple affectionately.

"Love you, Win." He whispered into her ear, and smiled.

"Love you too." She said, her voice strained.

Ed handed her a hanky. Freaking hormones.

***

Riza's heart was beating a million beats per minute, and she didn't think she'd smiled so much or so brightly in her life, especially not in front of so many people. She'd been nervous about today for weeks, not about getting married to Roy, but about standing up in front of everyone and being the centre of attention. It felt ridiculous now that Roy was the one staring at her, because no one else in the room mattered.

No one else in the room had mattered from the second she'd walked into it.

She'd spoken how vows clearly; to love him, support him, and to always watch his back. They were simple vows, but honest, and everything else had been promised a thousand times before in few words and many actions.

Embarrassingly, considering she was a sniper by trade, her hands trembled with excitement and nerves as she slipped the ring onto his finger. She had to stop herself from laughing happily, when his hands did the same.

This happiness was selfish, she knew that. These giddy moments of child like glee at the mere touch of his hand on hers in the middle of this ceremony was nothing more than self indulgent selfishness that she had struggled to believe she was allowed. She was allowed it, and she was going to indulge in it, and let herself be happy.

"You may now kiss the bride." The officiator announced.

Riza giggled quietly, so that only Roy could hear, before he took her in his arms and kissed her. The crowd cheered, and unable to resist showing off, Roy dipped her as he continued to kiss her. She clutched at his uniform jacket to stop herself falling to the floor, and happily returned the kiss.

Tomorrow they would go back to fixing their country. Today was just for them.

[3rdgymbros]

When the Ghosts Get in Your Head

( PROMPT: Can I please have Peter comforting the reader? With forehead touches/kisses SLAY ME. )

A/N: So. I’ve decided to make a Tom Holland/Spiderman fanzine, and if anyone is interested to contribute (and tell me how the heckie to go about doing it ), please PLEASE send me a message and we can work this out!! I actually want to send the fanzine to Tom Holland himself, but I also have no idea how to send it to him so PLEASE SEND HELP. Because I have no idea what I am doing. *sobs*

WARNINGS: Panic attacks/anxiety, so I’ve put it under a read more!

Taglist (permanent): @mainspidey | @x-wing-starwriter | @tomsleftbrow | @tryn25| @tanglefire | @midnight-memorial | @tiny-friggin-human | @tacklemyackles| @fangeekkk | @beamagtuto | @captainaudreystark | @hellosuperewczi

“I – I can’t do this,” Your voice comes out all croaky and weird; your stomach is a hard, twisted knot. “This is my fault. I helped Ultron. Oh, no no no –”

Your legs are shaking. With sorrow. Helplessness. Regret. Pain.

You should never have aided Ultron, should never have bought into his lies.

He’d promised peace.

And what of it?

The people in Sokovia had been happy. Normal. But Ultron had attacked, changing joy to terror in a blink of an eye. Another explosion, closer this time, shakes the earth upon which you stand so much that you lose your balance.

You can hear it; the screams of anguish, the chaos. You’re drowning in all of it: The thoughts, the emotions, the voices. Dorothy’s mother is in the Shady Pines Retirement Home; Dorothy wonders if she’s been evacuated yet. Sheldon can’t find his little sister; he’s scared. Tom’s vacation is not going as planned.

A high pitched ringing scrapes at your ears. Sweat breaks over your brows and palms and trickles down your back. I’m scared, you try to say, but no sound emerges. Your heart speeds up, faster, and faster. Your lungs constrict far more tightly, the burn intensifying. Your hands and feet mutate into blocks of ice.

Dust mushrooms through the air. BOOM!

“(Y/n)?”

Male voice. You recognise it. The Spiderman? Peter. Right. Peter.

Help, you try to say, but again, no sound emerges.

A muffled curse. The sound of metal being thrown onto concrete. Then footsteps racing over.

Still struggling for breath, you focus hard as you can on the only face you can see. Warm eyes the exact colour of milk chocolate, brown hair that sticks up in five directions and eight little freckles across the bridge of his nose. Peter leans forward, until his forehead gently rests against yours.

Everything is brown.

“Breathe,” Peter’s saying gently. “Do it with me, okay?”

And from the sea of chaos, you find that lighthouse guiding you to shore. It’s the one thing keeping you from unravelling completely. You cling to it; cling to that one thread of relative calm and quiet like a lifeline. You don’t mean to peek into his head, but, unbidden, images float into your mind.

He seems like a good person – or someone who strives to do the right thing, anyway. Though his thoughts, for some reason, are as difficult to penetrate as a rain forest. Some people are like that. Some have minds as dry and as arid as a desert, and just as easily navigated. Others have psyches like Peter’s, only accessible with a machete.

There are images of Sokovia, of the ashes and the rubble, but surprisingly, you’re in there, too. There’s the shadowy plane of your face, obscured by the shadows of your hoodie and your hair. You stand perfectly still, uprooting trees and hurling them at Peter, who dodges them all effortlessly. 

There’s one of you in Korea, too, helping Wanda to stop the train. You’re dressed in a pair of shorts, and a white T-shirt. A flannel shirt is tied around your waist, and a pair of duct-taped Converse on your feet. Your hair streams back, away from your face, your mouth agape, eyes shining an unsettling shade of blue. It’s the first glimpse he’s gotten of your face, and even now, you can feel his emotions. There’s a smudge of dirt on the bridge of your nose, and a bloody gash on your collarbone, but all Peter can think is a chorus of beautiful beautiful beautiful, rising up in his mind like the most beautiful song.

Then you at the Avengers Headquarters, huddled in a corner, your arms wrapped around your knees, your face hidden by a tangle of hair. Water had turned your white top totally transparent, leaving your bra (polka-dotted) and all the bones of your spine completely visible. He’s weirdly happy, yet apologetic and embarrassed all at once, for peeking at your intimates when he should be looking away like a gentleman would. He wonders if you’re wearing matching underwear as well, and has to awkwardly shuffle away before anyone notices the hot flush stealing across his cheeks.

And then you now. Your hair pulled back away from your face. Your eyes set wide apart, the smoothness of your skin, and the soft, shell-pink of your lips. It’s the first time Peter’s ever really seen your face, unobscured by your wild, matted tangle of hair, and his emotions spill onto you, a tidal wave. There’s a quiet sense of awe, a much louder voice that’s whooping wordlessly in excitement, and a nervous churning in the pit of his stomach that hasn’t quite managed to settle itself.

You cling to these feelings, strange and unfamiliar, and just breathe in tandem with Peter. And, at last, your heart begins to slow. Your lungs fill. The sweat stops pouring and the chill kisses you goodbye.

You blink back into the real world. Peter’s still whisper-close, so close that you can smell the smoke clinging to his suit, mingling with the faintest scent of cinnamon and vanilla that lingers on his skin. Concern bathes his handsome face.

“So you’ve made mistakes.” Peter says gently, forehead still resting gently against yours. “We all have. That’s why you’re here, isn’t it? To try and make up for it?”

“But there’s too much,” You say, voice ragged, your mind briefly flashing back to all the destruction, the mess you’d made. “There’s too much. I’ve done too much.”

There’s something infinitely soft in his gaze as he drinks in your every feature, brown eyes warm and soft. “That’s why we’re the Avengers. That’s why we try to save people. It’s why we’re the good guys.”

Avengers. Being thought of as one – well, being linked to them, anyway – is foreign, after so long of thinking of them as being the enemy. First Hydra. Then Ultron. And now, the Avengers. It’s a change you can live with.

There’s an explosion that buffets every nook and cranny of the little shop the two of you have taken shelter in. A metal hand breaks through wood, inches away from your thigh, and you scream. Peter jerks away from you as though he’s been electrocuted, his hand shooting out a sticky stream of web that sends the robot flying backwards.

“Listen. The city is flying, and there are some killer robots – okay, these robots are pretty cool, of course they are, I mean, Mr Stark designed them and all –” If you aren’t so frazzled, you might laugh at his ability to go off on a tangent. “– But we’re the only ones who can do anything about it. So. You can either sit here and mope, or we can go out there and kick some metal ass.”

You wonder if you should tell him you know that he’s ripped this speech off Mr Hawkeye. You have to bite the inside of your cheek to keep from laughing hysterically. Peter’s trying his best to look serious and grown-up and Avenger-y.

Who are you to spoil his fun?

Warm brown hues darken, take on a serious edge. Peter pulls himself up to his fullest height, and thrusts his shoulders back dramatically. “But the moment you walk out that door, you are an Avenger.”

His speech would have had a better impact if Peter hadn’t practically sprinted out said door before that last sentence had even left his lips, you think dryly. Inspiring speech or no, you choose to mope, leaning back against the crumbling wall, focusing on the breath entering and leaving your lungs so that your mind can’t wander back to destruction and damage and freak out.

But suddenly, you’re scrambling to your feet, your mouth open in a silent scream. You don’t know if it’s because you’ve been inside Peter’s head, but you can taste his panic, sharp and bitter on the tip of your tongue. He’s pinned down, he can’t move, and they’re coming –

Your feet are carrying you towards the door before you’re even aware of having made a conscious decision to move. The door splinters away into nothing at your approach. You keep your head held high, the wind chaffing your cheeks and lashing your hair about.

You’re calm, scarily so as you turn large, determined eyes onto the robots. There’s no nervousness, no panic, no fear. The only thought looping through your mind as the Ultrons disintegrate into nothingness is that you’re an Avenger now, this is your job, and you’ll be damned if you let Peter die while you’re around.

Only when the last Ultron has been ripped apart do you turn to Peter and offer him a hand up. He’s awed, taken aback, his thoughts are pulsing onto you again, and all he’s thinking is beautiful beautiful beautiful, over and over again.

“T-Thanks.” Peter stutters shyly, and your heart actually reindeer prances in your chest.

You answer, a tad shyly, “Anytime.”

Ignoring the warmth rushing to your cheeks, or the heat of his fingers on your wrist, you focus instead on Peter, who’s rambling, telling someone over the comm-link in an excited rush that “(Y/n) destroyed every single robot with her cool mind powers”, but even that makes you smile, unused to hearing the words ‘cool’ and ‘(Y/n)’ in the same sentence.

“We’ve gotta head to the Blue Bridge,” Peter says, still breathless, still holding onto your wrist. “Mr Barton and Ms Maximoff are already there.”

“Okay.”

His hand is still on your wrist, catching you, holding you in place. You’re drowning in that endless sea of brown. Ask her out, he’s thinking. Coffee, a movie, say something, Parker! Don’t make this even more awkward than it already is!

“I don’t like coffee,” You say slowly, carefully, watching his already pale skin blanch even further, and his eyes widen comically with the realisation that his thoughts are on full display for you to hear. “But I have always wanted to visit a ‘mall’. America has those, right?”

“Yeah!” His face lights up, glowing like the sun against his shock of brown hair. “After – After this is over, we could go? Just – Just you and me?”

“I’d like that.” You have to smile at his enthusiasm. Your cheeks smart at the unfamiliar motion. “A lot.”

If you do make it out of Sokovia in one piece, a relationship with Peter is definitely something that you can get used to.

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers #189: Wings and Arrows!

November, 1979

But is there any outrageous fortune? You’ll have to read to find out.

Anyway, this is one of those ‘name several things that happen in this comic’ style of covers. If you can’t think of a single intriguing image, you can always just list plot points and hope that’s interesting enough.

Last time: The Avengers lost their priority status because Count Nefaria throwing Wonder Man through a wall led to bad security and also Hawkeye personally offended Agent Gyrich by tying him up and then making breakfast.

Some time was spent without this priority status leading to humor and hijinks but finally Gyrich agreed to compromise with the Avengers provided they do everything he wants them to. So he mandates a new roster of Iron Man, Vision, Beast, Captain America, Falcon, Wasp and Scarlet Witch. This roster immediately changes as Scarlet Witch goes on vacation with an old man that tried to kidnap her. Ms Marvel substitutes in.

Also, a doomsday robot from World War II is accidentally reactivated under the Avengers Mansion and is defeated when Tony Stark realizes that a computer is his mom and makes her explode.

Why do I mention this? Why did I cover Avengers Annual when I did considering the publishing dates are enigmas?

This issue follows right out of Avengers Annual #9! And starts with Thor leaving after that team-up!

I mean, he enjoyed Avengersing again but he has Celestial problems. And I mean the big Kirby dudes, not just of or relating to the heavens.

He’s actually considering calling in the Avengers to help him with that, should the situation suddenly escalate. And Celestials are bad news. They’re so judgemental.

Thor is so lost in thought about the Celestials and their genocidal ways that he completely ignores Falcon and accidentally knocks him out of the air.

Rude, Thor.

This, of course, just fuels Falcon’s insecurity complex.

Falcon: “The dude didn’t even notice me -- and that downdraft he caused is knockin’ me for a loop! Got to pull out of it! Not that anyone’d miss one more hero, more or less! Nobody ‘cept me!”

He manages to pull out of his plummet only a few feet from pavement with onlookers convinced that he was just showing off.

Falcon returns to the mansion and conversations with Iron Man. Iron Man tells him that the Arsenal thing has been taken care of and Falcon tells him that he sorted out that embassy slaying in Marvel Premiere #49.

But speaking of the Arsenal thing, they brought on extra members to deal with that and now they have to sort it out. Once you bring someone into the mansion, they never want to leave. You have to shoo them away or else they’ll set up on the couch, eating grapes.

And yeah. There’s a bunch of supplementary Avengers just hanging out.

Hank Pym is taking a collect call from the Wasp, who got involved in Defenders #76-77 biz and is now stranded and needs help leaving Las Vegas.

Wonder Man is chatting with his bestie Beast and also Cap.

Scarlet Witch and Vision are avoiding having a serious conversation about how she maybe wants to have kids but she’s not sure if she actually does.

And Hawkeye is standing there glaring at Falcon. Because of course he is.

Hawkeye: (So, the Falcon returns to active duty, and I’m back out on the street! Where was he when we were fighting Arsenal? Out solving some murder he should have prevented in the first place!)

Since they’re in the room anyway, Iron Man introduces Falcon to the new security check-in scanner. Which is in the lounge instead of more logically being near the front door. But if that’s how the NSC wants it, who am I to complain?

Based on Ms Marvel threatening to maim someone, its a retinal scanner instead of fingerprint.

So Falcon feeds his peepers to the machine and it confirms him back to active duty and gives him his ID card.

Falcon is in weirdly high spirits considering we saw his self-pity wagon on the way into the mansion. He’s all cracking jokes about the scanner. “You mean, that’s it? Just a card? Don’t I even get a swearin’-in ceremony?” before changing his tune and saying that this Avenger gig is the best thing that ever happened to him.

Which is a far cry from how he’s been acting. Hating being the token, hating that he thinks his teammates are looking down on him, and hating being ineffectual in fights.

I don’t really know what changed his mind.

Its possible that he’s just hamming up how much being an Avenger rocks to get back at Hawkeye for being a dick but Falcon probably isn’t that exact amount of petty and besides, it doesn’t seem to gel with how he reacts to his conversation with Hawkeye which I will now quote.

Falcon: “Uh... say, Hawkeye! Got a minute, m’man?”

Hawkeye: “For what?”

Falcon: “Hey, look -- I just want you to know that I’m sorry about takin’ your place! I...”

Hawkeye: “Feed it to the rubes, Falcon! I’m more of an assest to the Avengers than you’ll ever be! I just hope it won’t be too late when they find out... (jerk!)”

Falcon: “(Whoa!)”

Geez, Hawkeye.

Yellowjacket dismisses the tantrum, saying that Hawkeye is never happy unless he can complain about something. But then he flies off to go fetch Wasp from Vegas.

Wonder Man decides he’d better skedaddle too. Apparently, his dream of becoming an actor is really taking off. He’s got a role on an off-Broadway stage and a lovely young starlet as a girlfriend. Yup.

Falcon and Cap go to the communications center to let Gyrich know that Falcon is back on active duty, that the internal security has stabilized, and that the stand-by Avengers have all departed.

Agent Gyrich: “Excellent! Thank you for your prompt report, Captain... and I notice you’ve been doing your paperwork on time, too! I knew you Avengers could get in the habit of standard operating procedure! Now all that remains is to reinstate the Scarlet Witch and return Ms. Marvel to stand-by status!”

Oh god. He’s smiling.

He... he actually seems happy. I don’t think he’s the tyrant the Avengers see him as because if he was, he’d be instituting new rules just to keep the Avengers from getting comfortable.

But he’s gotten them to take security seriously, do their paperwork, and has the roster he likes and he’s content.

And then Scarlet Witch walks in and announces that she’s still got a lot of work to do on herself so she’s going to take some more me time.

To the surprise of Vision and Cap and the annoyance of Gyrich. He was in his happy place only too briefly.

Agent Gyrich: What is it with you people?! Why can’t you cooperate with me just once? Doesn’t anyone up there speak English?! Stay right where you are! Don’t move... don’t even answer the telephone! I’m returning to New York in a few days... and then, I’ll settle this mess -- once and for all!”

And then he hangs up, leaving a befuddled Wanda wondering what she said and Cap to facepalm.

Also, you’re your own woman, Wanda, but I feel like this is something you should have mentioned to Vision before anyone else.

But before we follow up on that, its time for a lengthy Hawkeye digression.

Although digression feels like the wrong word. Its more like... this is a Hawkeye issue and there are some Avengers bits tacked onto either side.

Which, fine. Wanda got her time to shine recently. I guess Hawkeye can have his too.

Hawkeye, of course, spends his time to shine bitterly complaining about the Avengers.

He can’t believe the Avengers are letting themselves be pushed around by Agent Gyrich.

Hawkeye: “They wouldn’t have stood for it in the old days! Maybe this is nature’s way of telling me I’m better off on my own. Who wants to be an Avenger under these conditions, anyway? Stop conning yourself, Barton! You do!”

He returns to his crappy apartment and checks his crappy mail. He has some replies to job applications he sent out but they’re all rejection letters.

In a rare case of reality intruding onto this fantastical comic adventure, Clint Barton can’t get a job because the only experience he has under that name is carny work and ‘Clint Barton’ has been out of work for several years because he’s been Hawkeye. But he can’t explain that without revealing his secret identity!

What a fix! Plus, I don’t think he has any marketable skills other than hitting people and shooting bows.

Makes one wonder what he did for money during those other times he was not on the Avengers. I know he did some solo Hawkeye work but it apparently didn’t work out. Oh, and he got a job on a ranch when he was being a cowboy.

Also, Hawkeye’s apartment has a scenic view of a brick wall and he has reacted to that by taping a picture of Scarlet Witch up.

Not his once flame Black Widow, not his surrogate father figure Cap, or any of his other Avengers buds. Just Scarlet Witch.

Geez, Clint had it bad for a woman that at no point had any romantic interest in him. Or maybe she’s his best friend at this time? That would be a more charitable interpretation.

So its either a bit creepy or cute that he has a picture of her taped to a brick wall.

He also seems to have a picture of Falcon he’s using as a dartboard. Which. C’mon, be better than this, Clint.

I mean, be less of a petty person but also be better at darts. For the marksman, you don’t seem to have gotten any bullseyes and one dart isn’t even on the picture. Get your shit together.

Its also revealed here that part of the new organizational policies at Avengers, the stand-bys are being put on retainer. $100 a month just for being available to maybe being called in to save the world. Clint just scoffs that its not even enough to pay his rent.

We later learn when Tigra joins the team that active Avengers get $1000/month. That’s not bad in back then money but even my job pays more then that.

Presumably the Avengers paycheck would have gotten adjusted. There’s a reason Spider-Man hugged Tony when he offered him a paycheck in New Avengers and didn’t say ‘c’mon man, I’ve got a wife and a constantly dying aunt to take care of! Being a freelance photographer is more worth my time!’

Also I wonder if other superhero teams give their members an allowance. I’m thinking with the X-Men, definitely. But every time, Professor X lectures them on fiscal responsibility and Jubilee is just rolling her eyes.

Fantastic Four... probably the same. But with Reed instead of Xavier and with Ben going ‘material possessions are one of the few ways I can forget this nightmare you trapped me in.’

I assume that when the Champions were still around, Angel showered them in money to prove he had money.

With the Defenders, you’re lucky if Dr Strange doesn’t lecture you about fiscal responsibility arbitrarily. He’s not giving you money. He barely has enough to buy a sandwich for Wong. Nighthawk might give you money but that involves interacting with Nighthawk.

With the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, Magneto will give you all the money you want as long as you somehow relate your purchase to defeating the X-Men or overthrowing humanity.

‘So you see Magneto, this meatball sub will give me the energy and determination to punch Cyclops in his stupid face’

‘... Purchase approved. SO SPEAKS THE MASTER OF MAGNET!’

And I’ve driven this joke into the ground. Lets move on.

Clint bemoans that nobody is looking to hire ex-Avengers and then immediately after spots an add from Cross Technological Enterprises looking for a new security chief.

It doesn’t strictly say ‘ex-Avengers’ but it does say “must have experience” and also “good benefits.”

This looks like a job for HAWKEYE!

Hah.

Of course, we remember how Hawkeye applies for a job, right?

Because, yeah. That’s his idea of how to make a first impression.

When Mr. Keeshan arrives at Cross Tech he finds that Hawkeye has broken into his office despite CTE having the most sophisticated security system known to man.

And then when Mr. Keeshan tries to sound the alarm, Hawkeye shoots him with arrows.

BECAUSE HAWKEYE.

To be fair. It works.

Hawkeye: “That was just a sample of what I can do. I read how you’re having problems with theft around here -- and then, I saw your ad. I need a job right now... so I figure I’m your man! I got through your security, after all! And if I can save the whole planet -- like I have -- I ought to be able to protect your crummy plant for you!”

Mr. Keeshan: “Hmmmm...”

And two nights later, Hawkeye is on the job.

He’s got a new, better apartment, his own personalized coffee cup, and the satisfaction of spitefully comparing Cross Technological to Stark International. Also, he gets to read lewd magazines at work.

Finally, a job for Hawkeye!

But the alarm goes off for Warehouse 12 so Hawkeye is actually going to have to do some work at work.

Which he’s actually excited about. Because he wants to show off. Plus, they’ll be less likely to fire him if he actually accomplishes the thing he said he could accomplish.

Hawkeye: “Hoo-hah! Action at last! Now I’ve got the chance to show everybody how good I really am! I feel great -- just like back when I was starting out... only this time I’m on the right side of the law!”

When he gets to warehouse 12, he sees a giant hole melted through the roof. And to be fair to Hawkeye, he shows off some analytical skill here. Befitting an experienced Avenger slash thief.

He knows nothing came down the halls because he would have seen it on the monitors so he was expecting the intruder to come through the floor or ceiling. Since a helicopter or small plane would have been spotted, he’s expecting that the intruder flew in under their own power. And since the guards are knocked out but nothing is missing, the intruder(s) must still be here somewhere.

And he sees a winged shadow and immediately assumes its the Falcon.

C’mon, Clint. Don’t be like that.

Actually, the intruder is Deathbird, Shi’ar renegade and “first-born of the Aerie.”

She was actually one of Ms Marvel’s enemies but Ms Marvel is pretty generous with her rogues gallery.

Always loaning them out to other people. Like giving Mystique and Rogue to the X-Men.

The fact that she’s in Ms Marvel’s league causes Hawkeye a flicker of doubt but he wouldn’t be Hawkeye if he let that stop him.

He uses a sonic arrow but all it does is piss her off. She pulls out some giant knitting needles she calls energy javelins and uses them to shoot electrical blasts at Hawkeye.

Hawkeye: “Electricity? You gotta be kidding, lady! This is Hawkeye you’re dealing with -- I’ve walked away from fights with Iron Man! Problem with you is -- you’re way too used to tangling with Ms. Marvel... and she was new at this game when you met her! I’ve been around a lot longer -- and I know there’s a lot more to this than just hitting people! Like -- electricity can’t hurt you when you’re not grounded... and you don’t have to point a weapon at someone to make it useful!”

And he uses a cable arrow to swing from a girder and THOK Deathbird in the back.

He raises a good point here. Experience can be more important than sheer power and he’s been doing this since 1964.

Experience and cunning is a lot of how characters like Hawkeye and Captain America keep up in a world of Ironed Men and Spidered-Men.

Strength is still worth a lot though. As Deathbird just grabs Hawkeye off her back and flings him into a pile of boxes, leaving him sprawled humorously head under heels.

He’s too used to working on a team where someone is watching your back. Allegedly. I mean, I’ve seen a lot of Avengers fights where people go down because nobody was really watching their back because Avengers love to get in one-on-one fights.

Deathbird reveals a somewhat sympathetic motivation. She’s just stealing equipment from Cross Tech because she wants to go home and get off this crazy planet. She doesn’t even want to really hurt Hawkeye. Well until he kicks her in the head. Then she throws a javelin into his shoulder because seriously, who does that?

The javelin doesn’t pierce his chain-mail shirt that he always wears but it did hit a nerve, paralyzing his left arm. But that’s one of his archery arms!

Also she’s still trying to zap him so he does some quick thinking and throws an electro-arrow into a fusebox, casting the warehouse into darkness.

Deathbird can’t see in the dark so she assumes Hawkeye fled. But others will come and she doesn’t want to be discovered.

Deathbird: “Again I must abort my mission! Again I fail to redeem myself in the eyes of the Aerie! For this, I swear -- on my warrior’s oath -- both the archer and Ms. Marvel will pay!”

So time to skeedaddle. And she flies towards the hole in the ceiling.

Which is what Hawkeye was waiting for. With a net arrow.

The net is titanium-steel so she can’t break it. And the way it snagged her, her razor-sharp wings are pinned back so she can’t cut it.

She’s caught.

Later, some guards show up to take Deathbird away and to stretcher the injured guards to an ambulance.

Hawkeye is looking like a real big shot to his subordinates. One even asks if he can teach them how to fight like he does.

As she’s being led away, Deathbird tells Hawkeye she won’t forget this.

Hawkeye: “Birdie, if you want something to remember me by, I’ll give you something to remember me by!”

And Hawkeye gotta Hawkeye.

Which in this context means 'non-consensually kisses someone.’

Which reduces Deathbird to symbol swearing at him while he smugly says “I can’t say it hasn’t been fun, Deathbird -- but my datebook’s all filled up for a while! So don’t call me -- I’ll call you!”

Hawkeye, why you gotta be like this?

I mean, we can all agree that this is not a great thing to have done, right?

One of the guards even seems to be facepalming and planning a letter to HR. Someone is in for a sensitivity seminar. And its going to be Hawkeye and absolutely none of it is going to stick.

Also, I don’t believe that Hawkeye does have any dates lined up. Don’t be lying, Hawkeye.

I think Gambit does this kind of thing too, in the 90s. Kiss female opponents in the middle or aftermath of battle. And I know that he never gets sensitivity training.

Don’t be like this, people writing these characters.

Anyway, finally back to the Avengers and Jocasta (REMEMBER HER??) returns from a nice walk.

She’s got problems.

Jocasta: “The Avengers! Am I capable of facing them again? I cannot bring myself to communicate with them...”

I wonder what appliance Gyrich eventually decided to classify her as so as to spare himself the headache of sorting out her legal identity.

Also, it seems that she still hasn’t been able to connect with any of the Avengers and she keeps not showing up in the book and the Avengers don’t comment on it so it seems they still just see her as a piece of the furniture.

=(

Anyway, she has returned right in the middle of a blazing row between Iron Man and Gyrich.

With Cap having to hold Beast back from just punching Gyrich in the back of the head.

Remember, Gyrich’s fantasy league Avengers roster has Scarlet Witch on it. And the fact that she asked for more time off is just ruining that for him.

Iron Man’s counterargument is simple and convincing.

Iron Man: “Blast it, man -- I don’t care what your regulations say! We cannot force people to be Avengers against their will -- and if the Scarlet Witch doesn’t want to stay, there’s nothing we can do about it!”

Agent Gyrich: “Have it your way, Iron Man! But you won’t be able to do anything about anything -- ever again! As far as I’m concerned, this is the end of the Avengers!”

Beast: “Again? But that trick never works!”

Captain America: “Shut up, Beast!”

Which is apparently a Rocky and Bullwinkle reference. That thing Beast said.

Joking about his fantasy roster aside, I wonder why Gyrich is suddenly putting his put down. He was pretty lenient when the Avengers were taking personal days so long as they submitted their paperwork.

I feel maybe its because due to circumstances outside their control, the Avengers have kind of been overusing that?

Like I’ve joked about, Gyrich’s roster is barely set up when its been subverted to hell and back.

Scarlet Witch instantly took some time off and had to be replaced with Ms. Marvel (who threatened to maim somebody). Iron Man took time off to be accused of murder and had to be replaced by Wonder Man. Then there was the Arsenal thing where Falcon, Wasp, and Ms. Marvel are on personal biz and Yellowjacket, Hawkeye, and Thor are brought in to help out.

There hasn’t been a single point where Gyrich’s roster has actually been a thing and it might seem like the Avengers are doing it just to undermine him.

Or maybe he’s a petty Walter Peck sort. Its hard to tell. Jim Shooter wrote Gyrich as the asshole with a point. Other writers often just write him as an asshole.

Hm.... I wonder if the title Wings and Arrows was supposed to be a red herring that Falcon and Hawkeye were going to throw down. That would explain the scene where Hawkeye mistakes Deathbird for Falcon.

Anyway, the Avengers are on trial next time?! I wonder what cool celebrity lawyers will be involved!

You should follow @essential-avengers. Because I’m a cool person who doesn’t throw darts at a picture of the Falcon.